Be A Clown
by Soulless Warlock
Summary: An argument about Ron's future career options takes an unusual and, not suprisingly, musical turn. Hope you enjoy. Scraps of RonxHermione as well as slash between two OCs.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the song, it belongs to the brilliant Cole Porter, nor do I own any of the canon characters featured in this story, they belong to the equally brilliant JK Rowling, nor do I really own the musical portion of the scenes, with a few exceptions, it belongs to Jay Cocks and Irwin Winkler and their awesome movie, De-Lovely. I own Gabe and Sandy and that's about all.**

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Harry Potter, Ron Weaseley, and Hermione Granger walked through the streets of Hogsmeade, the fall sun lighting the way. Unfortunately for Ron, he was too busy covering his ears as Hermione was still jumping all over him (figuratively speaking, of course).

_"I'm not listening anymore, anymore, anymore,"_ Ron sang, rather off-key, drowning out her voice.

At this point Hermione knew that she could yell at Ron, insults him, maybe even call him some names. But, someone had to be the mature and rational. And, sorry Carrot Top, for once it wasn't gonna be her.

Hermione put her hands to her ears, mimicking Ron the minute she started singing loudly,_ "Ron Weaseley, will you shut tonight, shut up tonight, shut up tonight?"_

Harry groaned at his friends, who had stopped walking and were now singing to each other, and damn, they were terrible when they weren't warmed up.

"Okay, Peaches and Herb, people are staring," Harry said, splitting the two apart.

Ron stopped singing, looking at Harry, "Who?"

"They're a Muggle musical group," Hermione said before turning her attention to Harry. "Don't call me Herb."

"Can we please just enjoy the trip?" Harry asked. "We can argue about what career paths Ron can take when we get back."

"But, it's important that he decide now," she argued. "If he doesn't choose now…"

Harry quickly cut her off, "Argue later."

"And take away the opportunity to mock them?" a new voice shouted from behind the group. "Potter, you should know better."

Harry and his friends turned around to see Gabe Morgan sitting outside of the Hogshead, an ice packet pressed against his head by his boyfriend, Sandy Davis, who was trying to keep Gabe seated.

"Finally, someone on my side," Hermione said.

Gabe pushed Sandy's hand aside, springing to his feet and joining the trio in the street.

"I didn't hear the beginning of the argument," he said, standing next to Hermione. "What're you and Ronald McDonald fighting about now?"

"Hermione has been all over me," Ron stated.

"Whoa, Doggie!" Gabe exclaimed. "Granger, I didn't know you had in you."

Hermione's eyes narrowed at her fellow Gryffindor, "He meant it figuratively."

Gabe chortled at his own naughtiness, only a second later, Sandy cracked him one across the head.

"Now, you just made the whole point of an ice pack null and void," Gabe shouted. "I mean, if you're gonna beat me, why nurse me back to health?"

"So I could hit you again and not feel bad," Sandy fired back.

"He's really rubbed off on him," Ron whispered to Harry. "A month ago, Sandy wouldn't have had that response at the ready."

"Can we finish our argument later?" Gabe asked. "I'm kinda interested in hearing about Weaseley and Granger's argument," he spun back into the direction of Ron, Hermione, and Harry. "And go!"

"Ron and I were having a small disagreement as to whether or not he should have a career path in mind when he takes his NEWTs and…" Hermione explained.

"And I have," interrupted Ron. "What Hermione is really trying to say is that I go into everything half-cocked."

"Because you do," Hermione fired back.

Harry groaned, throwing his hands up into the air and walking away from his friends as the fight started all over again.

"How long should we wait?" Sandy asked.

"Until after they get the third or fourth "shut up" from the people they're annoying," Harry said.

Gabe tilted his head at the arguing duo, he looked back at Harry and Sandy, who had decided to sit out the fight on the steps of the Hogshead.

"You know, if we could get them to do this in a kiddy pool filled with pudding, we could make some money off of this," he suggested, getting strange looks from his boyfriend and The Boy Who Lived. "What?" he asked.

"Why pudding?" Harry asked.

"Well, it makes the things sorta sexy, and, let's face it, sex sells," Gabe said, shrugging at the question.

The trio watched and listened to the fight, waiting for the third or fourth "shut up". The words finally came when Madame Rosemerta opened the door of the Three Broomsticks and screamed at the arguing students.

Ron and Hermione turned away from each other, leaving the argument in the air. Harry stood up and walked over to his friends.

"Okay, guys," he said, getting their attention. "Can we just enjoy this visit and not start on about NEWTs until we get back to Hogwarts?"

Ron grunted and nodded while Hermione waved off Harry's statement.

"But, Harry…" she said.

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

"Fine," she shot back.

Harry looked over at Sandy and Gabe, "Do you two have anything to say?"

"I have nothing," Sandy said, only to have Gabe belt out, _"Nothing! Nothing! If I don't have you_."

Sandy scowled at his boyfriend. "Must you do that every time I use a song lyric in a sentence?"

Gabe shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry, love, the writer does the same thing," he said.

"Anything else?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I've got some career advice for Weaseley," Gabe said.

Ron looked over at Gabe, suddenly realizing that The Band had emerged from an abandoned theatre right next the Three Broomsticks.

"And it's something that comes so natural for you," Gabe continued, moving closer to Ron. "I mean, you have the look and everything."

The Band began to play the opening of a song. Gabe placed his arm around Ron, who was less than comfortable with this, in his own words, "crazy poofter" touching him, putting one foot forward as he sang.

_"I'll remember forever, when I was but three, Mama, who was clever, remarking to me, 'If son when you're grown up, you want ev'rything nice,'" _he paused for a moment._ "'I've got your future sewn up if you take this advice.'"_

Gabe and The Band paused, allowing Ron and the others to wonder what was coming next. Gabe smiled before letting go of Ron, spinning around and started to sing again.

_"Be a clown, be a clown, all the world loves a clown." _

He pushed Ron back, causing him to fall onto the steps of the Hogshead.

_"Act the fool, play the calf, and you'll always have the last laugh."_

He hopped into Ron's lap, pulling a cap with bells out of hammerspace, placing it on Ron's head.

_"Wear the cap and the bells and you'll rate with all the best swells."_

He jumped into the streets.

_"If you become a healer, folks'll face you with dread," _he explained to the curious onlookers.

Gabe pointed to a rather sloshed Healer, who was stumbling out of the Three Broomsticks, before creating a shadow puppet show of Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

He switched over to another group. _"__If you become a Dark Lord, they'll be glad when you're dead." _

Gabe turned to see Bella, the leader of the Ravenclaw Dancers, do a headstand and a split.

_"You'll get a bigger hand if you can stand on your head," _he sang, opening and closing her legs like a pair of scissors. _"__Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!"_

Ron stood up and looked at Gabe, who grabbed him by the collar.

_"Be a clown!" _Gabe sang, moving him down the road.

Ron shrugged and joined in, as Gabe used a spell to create very Groucho Marx-style mustaches on their lips.

"_Be a clown!" _Ron sang.

Conjuring up a pair of cigars, Ron and Gabe danced down the main street of Hogsmeade, singing.

_**"****All the world loves a clown!"**_

Gabe started to dance in a place.

_"Show 'em tricks, tell 'em jokes-" _he did a bizarre one-two step, kicking one foot out from under another.

He threw himself backwards, landing in the arms of his newly-formed chorus.

_**"****And you'll only stop with top folks!"**_ they sang joyously, spinning Gabe around the street.

They put him down and pulled an old Three Stooges routine on Neville, ending with him getting slapped.

_"Be a crack, jackanapes-" _Gabe sang.

_**"And they'll imitate you like apes,"**_the crowd repeated the routine, slapping the closest person to them.

Ginny joined up with Gabe and sang, _"__Why be an Unspeakable with your hands on your ears?"_

Colin nodded and added his own thoughts. _"__Why be a major Auror and be dead in a year?"_

Gabe grabbed Sandy's rather large ears and began to make them move like Alf Alfa.

_"When crowds'll pay to giggle if you wiggle your ears," _Gabe answered.

_**"Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!"**_the visitors and village people exclaimed.

The entire village soon joined in the festivities, showing surprisingly awesome skills in terms of dancing. Gabe led Ron and the others into the Three Broomsticks, whose patrons were also getting into the song.

_"Be a clown!" _Gabe sang.

The group split off, singing with the patrons, _**"**__**Be a clown!" **_

Gabe hopped onto a table.

_"All the world…" _he added.

The chorus completed his statement, _**"**__**Loves a clown." **_

Madame Rosemerta stepped out from behind the bar.

_"If you just make 'em roar…" _she sang.

Ron glided across the floor, stopping near Gabe's table.

_"Watch your mountebank soar," _he bellowed.

Harry mimicked his friend, stopping a few yards from Ron.

_"Wear a painted moustache," _Harry sang, twirling his fake mustache,_ "and you're sure to make a big splash." _

The Weaseley twins nail several people with buckets of water. Hermione jumped onto another table.

_"A college education I should never propose," _she sang.

Hermione quickly jumped off of the table, covering her mouth in shame.

_**"A bachelor's degree won't even keep you in clo'es,"**_the twins added, casting a hex at a young witch, blowing her skirt up.

Gabe dropped to his knees, pulling out a clown nose, _"__But millions you will win if you can spin on your nose." _

He placed the nose on Neville's, making him laugh harder than before.

_**"****Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!"**_

The Band picked up the pace, as the patrons and the students grabbed the table Gabe was standing on, hoisted it into the air and out into the streets.

Gabe conducted them merrily. _"__Give 'em quips…" _

_**"Give 'em quips!"**_

_"Give 'em fun…"_

_**"****Give 'em fun…"**_

Gabe joined in with the group. _**"**__**And they'll pay and say you're A-1!"**_

Gabe counted the beats, all the while Lavender jumped into the song, _"__If you become a farmer you've the weather to buck." _

Seamus nodded and added, _"__If you become a gambler you'll be stuck with your luck." _

Gabe threw his arms out and sang, _"__But Jack you'll never lack if you can quack like a duck…"_

He fell back into the crowd's waiting arms. They placed him on the ground when he heard Neville add his two cents.

"Quack, quack, quack, quack…" Neville quacked before Gabe grabbed the clown nose and slammed it into Neville's mouth.

He started to conduct them again.

_**"Be a clown,"**_they all sang in lower registrar.

He raised his hand.

_**"****Be a clown," **_the pitch was higher.

He dropped his hands and the song hit its big finish.

_**"Be a clown!" **_

The entire village seemed to explode into dance and celebration, everyone pulling out their best moves for the final bits of music. Neville, unfortunately, tripped. This gave Gabe the opportunity to leapfrog over his fellow Gryffindor and slide across the street on his knees, landing face-first into the crotch of Draco Malfoy.

"Hello, Draco," Gabe greeted, his voice muffled by the fabric of Malfoy's pants.

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**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this story like you enjoyed "Everybody Today is Turning On". Until next time, this is Soulless Warlock, saying good-bye, good morning, good afternoon, good night and good luck for all the people of the world.**


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